Escapee

So, I'm a mess. As I've heard told to me on many occasions by quite a few people throughout the years and it's true, I won't deny it. I only have control over certain emotions and others just seem to run rampant when the opportunity is right. Like tonight for example...I don't know why it happens or where it comes from, but the smallest things can cause me the biggest upset which gives those rampant emotions just the thing they need to do what they do best. I always end up apologizing for things I can't control very well. Good thing my anger isn't one of those rampant emotions. What makes it worse is that I'm a guy and guys aren't suppose to be outwardly emotional as much.

But now I'm here, trying to type out what I feel so I can get a better understanding of what to do to control it...or to just have somewhere to vent other than towards those I care about. I'm starting to accept the fact that my emotions can have more control over situations than my reasoning and that's not good, so what should I do? It's not something that's very frequent but when it happens, I normally end up upsetting, in some way, those I care about and that just makes me even more upset...grrr. It's mainly my worrying problem, or some kind of paranoia. My mind creates scenarios that aren't too pleasing, especially when a relationship is involved, and my worry level increases. I hate it!

Maybe I should give my relationship life a break, a good, long break, haven't really had one since I stumbled upon the feeling, or lack, of love. No free time to roam, just constant worrying that I'll do something wrong and I'll have to start over again. I can't say my relationship life has been horrible nor has it been perfect, it's had its ups and downs but all in all it's made me who I am just like everyone else who's had experience with it. But I've had no me time to grow, I've always had that 'other' person in my life...on the other hand, I hate being alone and I'm ready to settle down. I don't want to keep dragging through this hard-ache over and over again because I can't control my emotions.

I've prayed, sorta, hoping to have some kind of understanding for what it is. I know for the most part what I want outta life, at least for now and I don't want to have to keep bouncing my emotions back and forth between the constant purgatory of relationships. I'm in one now and it's good, guess I'll just have to see where it goes. And if it ends up in the same place where all the others ones have...that's when I'll say to Hell with relationships and go buck wild! Here's to life!

Nothing is ever easy...

Current Mood: lonely

Over a year, that's how long it's been since I've been here to put my feelings down somewhere other than my conscience. A lot has happened...I don't even know where to begin. I'm still in Ohio and working to become what I should have become a long time ago. Things are going absolutely great for me at the moment. My relationship problems that were hindering my progression are no longer even a vague memory, let alone a hindrance.

My past relationship, well, my past relationship is simply that...the past. I have no regrets other than I wish I had spent my time on better things. That relationship made me see how people who you consider to be true friends can still stab you in the back and not think twice. But the knife is gone and despite the scar it left, I still found happiness. Things have worked themselves out and my life has new direction. Who would have thought that a southern-raised guy like me found his peace and happiness back where it all began for him, in the North, in Ohio, where he was born? Yea, life is funny like that...takes you in circles but still manages to take you forward.

My new life, my new relationship, I couldn't ask for anything more (despite the certain detaining aspects such as money, taxes, and politics). I'm in love again...again, after telling myself I would probably wait awhile before my heart was sacrificed to the uncertainty of love once more. But you don't control who you fall in love with, or how it happens. I was out of the box for 6 months and finally confessed my feelings to yet another friend who had the same feelings. It's wonderful...I have never been this happy, and it's someone who is the complete opposite of everything I've ever looked for before. She is my world now. I just took the next step about a month ago (our 6 month anniversary) and bought her a promise ring. Yea, I have spent a lot of money on those things over the years, but this one just feels right...that's why it was the most expensive promise ring I've ever bought. Now she wants to get engaged (she can wait, of course, the diamonds on her finger now will hold her over), she tells me she's absolutely crazy about me and that I'm stuck with her. How can I complain? A girl, who was nothing I ever looked for, who had no characteristics I'm normally attracted to, and now I can't see myself anywhere else, wants me to marry her! The engagement is planned (but we all know how plans can change) to be in December! Guess we'll see...

And so, life opened another door for me. After my heart was ripped out, shattered, crushed, and abused...after it mended, healed, and glazed over the scars, my life has taken a new direction. I can't say where it will take me this time, I have no false hopes in where it will lead, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it gets brighter every day. I still have my doubts as anyone would, it comes with the price of love, but I know my heart is in the right place.

I just want to say thank you (you know who you are) for letting me see the kind of person you truly were, for opening my eyes. Because if you turned out to not be the person you became, I would have never found this kind of happiness or love. Everything happens for a reason, I see that now. So thank you...

Current Mood: loved

Bouncing back and forth...that's what I feel like this relationship has started doing. I mentioned many, many posts ago what happened between us last summer. Well, now I know the truth of what happened and I just found out yesterday(the hard way)...not to mention, I'll never look at my birthday the same way ever again. Yea, life sucks right now for me. Job is throwing me around, I'm trying to keep up with school, I got a head-cold and now I've left the only person I ever truly cared about and thought I could trust. My best friend and lover for so long and she stabbed me in the back, she's been lying to me for 6 months about what happened last summer, what truly happened...on my birthday of all days. How do you forgive someone you can no longer trust? Ho do you trust someone who has been lying to you for so long? How many chances does a person deserve before it should be over? I don't know what to do...

I'm lost right now because I still love her and I still want to be with her...I just don't know if I can, I don't know if I can bring myself to give her yet another chance to hurt me and lie to me. She's promised she's learned her lesson, but she's been promising me for 6 months that nothing happened last summer...how am I to know that nothing else has been going on in the corners of this relationship? How am I to know she won't do it again? I never did anything to deserve what she did to me, how she treated me for so long. I always knew that there was something she wasn't telling me about last summer and every time I tried to ask her about it or talk to her about the situation she would bitch at me and tell me that I didn't trust her and I should stop being so nosy into her business. I felt stupid for not trusting her but now I know I had EVERY RIGHT not to trust and be nosy I just didn't know it...her only justification was that she was scared, confused, and she was a afraid to hurt me. Hell, I see it that she was already hurting me, I just didn't know. Maybe if she would have come to me right after it happened, I could have found a way to trust her again...but lying to me for 6 months? I don't deserve that. I've been loyal to her ever since we started dating, and now I know it didn't mean anything...

As of now, I'm doing some serious thinking and reconsidering...right now, we're done. Until I've had some time to seriously consider taking her back despite the lies, despite the way she treated me for so long, despite that it happened on MY BIRTHDAY...then I don't want her back, I don't want to be with her...as much as I love her and care about her, I don't want to be with her anymore...not right now.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: the wind

Well, despite everything that has happened recently it all has worked out...false alarm. But it is certainly something I don't want to do again. Everything is now (for the most part) back to normal between her and I and I'm hoping that with our new decision things will work out better. New decision? Yea, we both agreed to, instead of taking a break, give each other a little more space and see what happens (meaning no more constant phone calls and no more nagging at each other over stupid stuff). But, it's only started today so we'll see where it goes from here. Nothing is ever easy...

Current Mood: tired

Well, if things continue to go the way they're going...that single life isn't far around the corner. 2 months so far, that's it...this relationship will have only lasted 2 months longer than my previous longest. Maybe one day I'll get it right and make it the last 48 years and 10 months(or more, of course).

This is the worst stage of a serious argument, the 'waiting stage' I like to call it...others would call it the 'thinking stage' but I don't have much to think about, so I refer to it as the 'waiting stage' because the other person is thinking about what they want and I have to sit back and wait to hear the answer. Scared, nervous, shaky, doubtful, anxious, worried, somewhat thoughtful, and all around terrified...that's what this stage makes me feel like and I hate it. I would rather just get it over with, make it a simple 'yes' or 'no' and that'd be it...this is absolute torture. Not to mention I can't talk about it or she'll feel like I'm pushing her. Ugh, just shoot me!

Two more days and I will get to see her, possibly for the last time as a couple...these are the times I wish I was just another guy so I could just think 'fuck it, I'm done' with no emotions involved. My curse...this stuff makes me crazy, I hate my emotions when it comes to situations like this...cause during these times, I just feel like I'm repeating my past relationships...why can't I just let go? Why can't I just give it up and move on? Why? Just give me the strength to shut it out, shut it up, and move on with my life. There are so many other opportunities out there, why can't I just cut my losses and see what else I find?

Love...that's the answer. Ever hear of that love-hate relationship? Yea, that's how I feel about my emotions, I hate them...but I wouldn't be who I am without them. Hell, I don't even know what I want anymore...I thought I had found it with my best friend...just goes to show you that you never really know someone until they fuck you! (in a literal sense, too) Sometimes, in situations like this, I wish I would have left when I had the chance and my emotions weren't involved as much...the beginning of this relationship would have been a perfect time for me...I should have listened to my instincts instead of my heart and this would have never started.

Hell, I could have had fun with a girl that had a very nice chest AND nice legs, but no...I ended up being too worried about losing the respect of my best friend even though she had already kinda screwed me over the summer before that...I should have seen the signs then. Fucking Hurricane! If it hadn't been for the hurricane, things may have turned out a lot differently as well...

Ugh, yea...I'm just rambling. To be honest, I wouldn't change a single moment that I've had in this relationship because this has definitely been the best so far and I wouldn't hesitate to repeat it (although I may have actually acted on the other girl's offer ^.~). I do know one thing, though...if this doesn't work out, I am letting loose and gonna go have some fun cause I'm tired of this relationship bullshit, this stuff is aging me faster than Time(3 month single-period between 3 girls, yikes!) and one other thing...I am seriously going to try and stay away from high maintenance women cause they are s-p-o-i-l-e-d!

Current Mood: anxious

And so everything that has been worked so hard to achieve has finally ended. Pain sucks, heartache sucks even more...and I know I'll be experience both of them for quite a long time. My heart is in very small pieces scattered at my feet right now, it will take a long time to put it back together...but all I have now is time. It doesn't hurt so much that my heart is broken, I'm used to that...what hurts the most is that my heart was broken by the very person I have never turned my back on...what hurts the most was being so close and losing everything.

Even though it was mostly my decision based on different factors...it still hurts more than anything else I have ever felt. I thought she was the one, my best friend for 4 years and my lover for over a year...yet, it's over. I won't go into all the details, but I'll just say that now I know the truth and the truth always hurts.

Who knows, though...maybe I'll learn to enjoy the single life again...take the break I've needed for longer than I can remember.

Wish me luck...

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: What Hurts th Most - Rascal Flatts

I say this for a friend
Because she needs it now
The aches, the pains
Every thought of 'how?'
A choice to face
A reason to decide
Time doesn't pace
And it takes no side
But she does have a friend
One who cares and comforts
Here until the end
Cause we all know it hurts
If you can't look up
And you can't seem to cry
And the sun seems to vanish
As the rain passes by
When you can't seem to think
Or keep your thoughts straight
Every vision a blur
And every sound extra weight
Don't give up
As tempting it can be
Read these words
And I'm sure you will see
That when it's hard to decide
For better or for worse
You'll have a friend by your side
To make you smile, of course!

Current Mood: tired

Current Mood: thoughtful

Current Mood: aggravated

So, my EMT class started last night...yea, it should a lot of fun! A serious class though, I know I'm going to have to study a lot more than I've ever been used to, but I'm willing to give it a try and do my best. This is something I know that if I can get it down and learn everything I need to know then I will love it! I know I'm going to have work my ass off as well and I look forward to those days, actually.

Security job is going great! Getting paid every week is awesome and sooo much better than getting paid every two weeks. Not to mention I get paid the same every week as I used to get paid every two weeks, which means a lot more money I can save up in a shorter time. It's great! I just hope I'll be able to work and take these EMT classes as well, even though the classes are only two days out of the week for 3 and 1/2 hours a night which isn't bad. I know if I want this bad enough, I'll do it.

And it's coming to be that time of year again...Valentines Day...yikes. Another reason for women to squeeze whatever money you have out of you just to make them smile (or cry, whichever comes first). In the end, it's worth it...but man, woman can be expensive! Oh well...this is the real world and the only things certain in the real world are Death and Taxes...oh, and Valentines Day (*cringe*)!

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: None